Heartbreak to Hope
As a little girl I struggled with fear to an extreme extent.
I remember being the last student in Sunday school, waiting for my parents to pick me up, convinced they weren’t coming back and my teachers would probably have to adopt me. I would brace myself for the impending doom as the weekend drew near, my mind wandering to every possible worst case scenario.
Why couldn’t I just enjoy myself like my other siblings? And don’t get me started on kids camp. My poor counselor was plagued by the same question every day, “Ummm…so how many more hours left till camp is over?” She would look down at her watch (an ancient device used to tell time), and graciously reply with a number, triggering the countdown in my head, desperate to get away from this “fun place” that felt like prison.
Thank God I did eventually outgrow that fear, but looking back I can see how fear had such a massive hold on me from such a young age……
As I entered the world of dating, irrational fears resurfaced in the form of horrible relationship anxiety. I formed emotional attachments to men so easily it was scary. I was so terrified of being abandoned that I never felt secure in any of my relationships. When my heart got busted by my first boyfriend I was convinced I would never recover.
John was my idol. Tall, dark haired, charming, fun, slightly cocky, and easy to talk to. He also happened to be a gifted musician with a voice all his friends likened to John Legend (my nickname being Chrissy, it had to be a sign that we were destined to be together).
If you know me, you know that music is my passion. I love to sing, write, and taught myself to play the keys in high-school. In my mind, what could make me happier than to find a man who shared my love of music? Match made in heaven!
Or so I thought.
The things you don’t know until you know are scarce when you’re eighteen years old.
The beginning of the end looked like me calling John an excessive amount of times in a state of panic. Back then we used flip phones and I would flip out (pun intended) when he wouldn’t respond within 5 minutes. I was always desperate to hear from him even though I had no reason to be worried.
I was devastated the day silence met the other side of my, I love you.
It was goodbye John and hello heartbreak.
I look back now, laugh and roll my eyes at that little lost version of me. But the feelings of loss and grief were still so real at the time.
I carried the stress & insecurity from that relationship into my future ones and figured if something felt too good to be true, it probably was. And though I would grow up in many ways, I was still searching for the right man to figure me out and give me purpose.
Heartbreak would come knocking on my door again, fear would still follow me, I would use men to feed my need for attention, only to discover that I had been falling for fantasized projections of them. I was exhausted from a cycle I could only blame myself for creating.
I told my good friend I needed to take a break from dating, but then another man would show up and I would immediately make myself available again (what if he’s the one???) Major FOMO. I was a mess.
I had been dating a guy from church for a few months when I began to seriously question who I was becoming. I was a worship leader, I mentored women and hosted small groups and bible studies. I was dating a “godly guy.” And yet I was slowly drowning in a lukewarm, double minded lifestyle. I had no relationship with God. There were times I would feel His presence, I knew He was real, but I didn’t know that I could know Him in a profoundly personal way or that He even cared for my love.
But all of that changed through a series of several wake up calls from the Lord.
I looked in the bathroom mirror one night after a family emergency led to a panic attack, trying to make sense of what was happening and feeling as if any moment I would black out and die.
It was the first step toward freedom as I cried out to God.
He was so patient with me. He broke me to build me, heal me and reveal His heart to me (you can download my free digital resource, Healing After Heartbreak, where I share more of my healing journey with Jesus).
He broke me to build me, heal me and reveal His heart to me.
The day I finally surrendered all was the best day of my life. I couldn’t wait to sit at the feet of Jesus. It was and still is my favorite place to be. Every time I am with Him, He reminds me how much reason I have to rejoice and how much hope is mine both now and eternally.
There are still battles and fears I have yet to overcome, but I am no longer fighting them alone. I have a loving Father who has become my closest Friend. The One Who faithfully meets me in my weakness and strengthens me in the waiting. And He will do the same for you as you learn to lean upon Him.
I love the cry of the psalmist in Psalm 42:
My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration! Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God! Psalm 42:4-6 NLT.
Isaiah prophesied that the Messiah was coming to heal the broken hearted (Isaiah 61:1). Jesus would echo these words and fulfill this prophecy hundreds of years later:
The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed. Luke 4:18 NKJV
Jesus also experienced the deep pain of heartbreak as He hung on a cross. But He knew the joy was coming. He knew the darkness and devastation of the night would be conquered by the power, light and glory of His love.
There is no heart too broken for God to heal. There is no such thing as hopeless in the heavenly realm. Life on earth won’t always be easy, but we dwell in the shadow of a holy and loving King Who gives us glorious glimpses of heaven on earth.
And this is why we pray bold prayers, because the more we get to know God, the more we know there is nothing too good to be true in His kingdom.
Because He lives, beauty comes from ashes and heartbreak turns to hope.
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