The Quiet Dance of Friendship & Expectation
Gardening has become one of my favorite ways to unwind. There is something about pulling weeds, preparing soil and planting seeds that works wonders for the soul.
I think of how Adam and Eve were like the OG’s of gardening, and wonder what their first thoughts were as they watched the first tulips bloom or took a bite of navel orange. I imagine their delighted response as they experienced all this goodness and glory growing right in front of their eyes.
I also wonder what exactly gardening looked like before the fall. The Bible says there was a built in sprinkler system (Gen. 2:6), so the first couple was off the hook when it came to that job. There wouldn’t have been any weeds to pull because the soil would have been perfect. Yet God was showing them His heart through the way He designed life to work and giving them glimpses of the Gospel in the process.
I recently experienced a situation with a friend that caused me to pause and consider what biblical friendship is supposed to look like and what are reasonable vs unreasonable expectations.
This friend had been a source of significant and timely words and prayers over me in moments where I really needed it, but now she was offended by my lack of availability to the point of no return.
I tried to respond as graciously as possible despite my shock. I offered to set up a time to talk about it, assuring her that I still very much wanted to invest in this friendship, but it was clear that these efforts to talk through things weren’t enough.
I’m the kind of friend who tries my best to make others feel seen and understood, because I know what it feels like to be unseen and misunderstood. I also desire to be the kind of friend who has a soft and understanding heart. A heart that is open to who God might want me to show up for today.
I thought to myself, “But God, I’ve sown so many seeds here, was I an unfaithful steward? Am I a bad friend?”
In time, God began to reveal His Word and His heart on the matter through the following pearls of truth:
You can be a faithful friend without overcommitting and burning out in the process.
This will take honest and direct communication. Don’t dodge the questions, don’t make excuses. Be gracious yet clear. Put into words it could be as simple as, “I’m so grateful for our friendship, and I would love to be more available, but I am needing to pull back a bit as I have a lot on my plate right now.”
“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices.”
Some friendships are only for certain seasons. It wasn’t a failure, it was a window of time you had to fulfill part of God’s purpose in your life and theirs.
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.”
A good friend can still love at all times without being accessible at all times. Don’t take offense at the friend who isn’t showing up for you the way you think they should. People process life differently and some seasons priorities may fluctuate. Distance doesn’t equal rejection.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
When Paul talked about bearing each other’s burdens, he wasn’t talking about taking total responsibility for someone else’s mess. We are called to be people who are focused on the needs of others, and while that will require sacrifices and stretching on our part, it doesn’t mean we neglect our own needs so we can become everything someone else needs.
“For we are each responsible for our own conduct.”
You can sow seed after seed and still bear the brunt of unmet expectation if you were being relied upon to deliver something that can only be fulfilled in the presence of God. The Word says those who wait on The Lord, not man, are renewed and find strength. We don’t need people more than we need His presence.
“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
There may come a time you need to surrender a friendship to the Lord because the expectations being placed upon you are stealing your peace, and creating a burden you were not meant to carry. Surrender is not giving up, neither is it failing. It’s releasing what you cannot control and can no longer carry to a Faithful Father Who can.
I’m grateful for the gift of friendship. But I’m also grateful that friends aren’t the primary source of strength I’m drawing from. We weren’t made to carry it all. God gives us the grace to give and sow as we are able. He also gives us the wisdom to discern when we are lifting weight we should be leaving at His feet.
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